Knitting Pretty

Do you have a film that you put on and it just whisks you into an imaginative reverie? A film that makes you feel happy, peaceful, and emotional all at once? I absolutely do! For me, this film is My Neighbour Totoro. I saw this film only a few years ago, but it is one of those that just seem to fit right in with me.   This is a brilliant offering from the acclaimed animator  Hayao Miyazaki, who is probably more famous for Sprited Away - another awesome film - and Howl's Moving Castle.

I know that not everyone find Totoro as enchanting and joyus as I do; my fiance for instance finds it a little sad and depressing, because of the mother's illness. I understand that, but those aspects of the film draw back for me, what does stand forward and gains my attention is the forest, the spirits, and the Totoros. This celebration of life, from the exuberance of Mei, to the staunch Satsuke, to the giant  Camphor Laurel tree, and of course the larger than life Totoro is more than a little magical to me. It is uplifting to have the movie on, even if I am not actually watching it! 

I actually prefer to watch the film in English dubbing because I think Dokota and Elle Fanning did absolutely wonderful jobs with the voice acting. Elle as Mei couldn't be more perfect, she has such a wonderful little squealing voice that is a delight to listen to, and they work so very well together. There is a little video on You Tube of the English dubbing cast talking about their work on the film, and this really shows the wonderful rapport between the two little girls, and how that aspect of their personalities carries through the film. Also, I would like to travel by Catbus for the rest of my life! They have a real one (well, sort of)  in Nagasaki!

So if you haven't seen it, go and see it now! Right now! I have the DVD and you should too!  Now on to today's knitting pattern. I thought today's pattern has to be a Totoro of some sort. Now, this pattern is actually a toilet paper cover, but when I make it, which I will, it will be a stuffed toy.  

In my first blog, just last week, I mentioned that I like food... I like foods that I shouldn't really eat that much of, but still do anyway.  I currently have four candy obsessions... funnily enough, they are all from the same company.  I am going to go through why I like those particular ones right now, because what's the next best thing to eating candy? Talking about candy! Okay so I will outline my four current favorite candies, and then link to today's pattern! 

Blackcurrant Pastilles: These are lovely little soft - but still kind of hard - lollies with grains of sugar on the outside. I have always loved purple lollies, they have a great flavor, be it grape, blackcurrent, or blackberry.

Fabulicious Raspberry Twister: This is a fairly new one, for my candy repertoire, but I really like raspberry flavor, and I really like the squishy but tough thing going for these twists. Sort of like raspberry licorice, but a little chewier, I think.

Berry Tingles: These are quite difficult to find, and quite new out too. They are like your regular Fruit Tingles, but they are all berry flavored! I love berry flavors, and grape flavor too.

Longlasting Gobstopper: This is my absolute favorite candy currently. I love these things, they take you ages to eat, which is fun, and even the ones that I wouldn't normally like - the lemon flavored ones - are still nice! I love sitting there cracking away at a box of these, so tasty! I most like the green and purple ones, apple and grape flavored respectively, I think.

Today's pattern must absolutely reflect today's post! This is a free one, though you will need an account with Ravelry. Frankly, if you are a knitter, and you don't have a Ravelry log in... GET ONE!!!  It is a fabulous site, totally addictive, that allows you to browse through many, many, knitting patterns from all over the web, and all over the world. So here is a link to a cute little candy corsage. I haven't actually made this one myself, yet, but I am excited to give these a try.

It was at this point that she took to verbally abusing me for hours on end. She would scream, and I mean scream, until she was so hoarse, she could no longer talk. This took about two hours. She would scream at me that moving to this town was the only thing she had ever done for her, and that I couldn't give her that, that I was so selfish. She would tell me that the world didn't revolve around me, that I was a lazy bitch. That I did more around the house when I was five than I did when I was eleven. She did this in front of my friend, one day, and then drove a knife into the chopping block, telling me to get out.

My friend and I walked out of the house - her not even in shoes - and walked the three or so kilometers to my other aunts house, who my mother had of course had a falling out with. I called my mother some time later to tell her where I was, she was angry with me for going there, for letting them know of her dirty little secret. Oh they knew, my uncle would take me to a weekly youth group purely as a means to get me away from her for a few hours a week. Though everyone said it was 'because we needed time away from each other' ... 'we both had very strong personalities'.

That last line makes my stomach do a nauseating flip. Strong personality. Bollocks, that's what that is. When someone screams at you, for hours on end, the one person you have in the world, the one person who is supposed to protect, love, and nurture you... something happens inside. When she would do this, I wouldn't say anything, because on the few occasions that I did, she would use those few words against me over and over. When she did this, I became small inside. I became a shadow, a ghost. I was not whole, not real, not really there. This wasn't really happening... It was surreal... I put all this in a part of my brain, and let it sit there for a very long time.

The only person in this world who knows all of it is my fiance, the only person I trust to lay it all out before and see what really went on. It was abuse. Psychological and verbal abuse. When I finally stood up to her - with much encouragement from my fiance - the backlash was so extreme... she told me at one stage she wished I wasn't her daughter... I havne't spoken with her in about a year and a half, and haven't seen her for more like four.

Some days I forgive her, some days I can't even say out loud that I love her. I am still coming back from all this, and it stopped close to a decade ago. Some days I just want to cry and beat my hand on the ground, other days I feel at peace because I understand that she is a product of her own childhood.

Coming back from being so tiny inside, so unsafe, alone, is a lengthy process. It is a battle, with yourself, to let yourself grow. To not allow the past to dictate what happens in the future. It is hard, to rebuild that which was so felled when I was so young, but with love, warmth, and a sense of safety, it can and will be done.

I feel that something soft and warm is in order, for a pattern tonight, so here, have something nice to snuggle up with. ^-^